Tasting Her Chocolate Cake by Alina Jacobs

Author:Alina Jacobs [Jacobs, Alina]
Language: eng
Format: epub

2

Johnathan

I work out—like, a lot. I hit the gym every day, alternating weights and cardio. I do MMA fighting three nights a week. How the fuck did I not dodge that candy cane?

It must have been the shock of being cussed out by a giant reindeer.

“What the hell?” I yelled at bachelorette number thirteen, though I was going to start calling her the bachelorette from hell, because no one treated me like that!

“My face is insured for twenty million dollars,” I snapped at her as I gestured to my assistants. They looked at me dumbly as they tried to figure out what I wanted.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you hired them for their good looks and not for their organizational prowess,” the reindeer drawled.

I sputtered.

“He needs ice for that nasty bruise that’s already forming on his porcelain skin,” bachelorette number thirteen said to my assistants.

“A bruise?” I snarled as my assistants hurried off to find ice. “I’m pressing charges.”

The bachelorette gave me the finger, or at least what might have looked like the finger if she hadn’t been sporting giant furry hooves. Then she shuffled past me into the building.

“Hey!” I yelled at her. “We’re supposed to exchange pleasantries, and you’re supposed to fawn over me and tell me how you want me to make your Christmas Eve.”

She turned. “Christmas is already the worst holiday in the world,” she said, her raspy voice slightly muffled by the large reindeer head. “There’s no way I’d make it worse by spending it with you!”

I drew back.

“You hate Christmas? What kind of monster hates Christmas?” I demanded, hurrying after her, taking the ice pack from one of my simpering assistants and pressing it to my cheek. I ducked around the cameras as the cameramen hurried to keep up with us. “Christmas is about family and friends, children opening presents, and baking cookies. Everyone else here wants to create the perfect family Christmas card with me.” I grabbed her shoulder.

She whirled around to accost me and hit me on the other side of the face with one of the antlers.

“Ow!” I yelped.

“Christmas,” she spat as I switched the ice to the other cheek, “is just an excuse for people with sad little lives to pretend like everything is just peachy. It’s the candy cane–colored fondant veneer over dry, stale fruitcake. You know, I might have actually…not, like, fucked you but maybe gotten myself off one night thinking about you while I was drunk and horny, if only you had even shown a hint of derision toward the holiday season. Unfortunately, it seems as if you seriously believe in the magic of Christmas.”

“Of course I do,” I said stubbornly. “Christmas brought my family back together. It’s a holiday about friends and neighbors and finding the beauty in the moment. Also the snow—I love snow.”

She tossed the giant reindeer head, sending the plastic googly eyes spinning. “I’m going to go bake now,” bachelorette thirteen said. “Because unlike the rest of the people here, I am not chasing after your Christmas package.

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